Chap. 362 Herding Cats

Chap. 362 Herding Cats

“I’m confused, K’ndar,” Rahman, the astronomer and chief of astronomical research, “why am I heading for Landing when I and my team have already been counted via datalink?”

“Sir,” K’ndar said, wanting to be in the air and between before the sun set on Western Continent, “The Council has called for a full accounting of every person assigned as Landing staff. I asked specifically to transport you, sir, because I consider you my mentor as well as my friend. Your staff, the three of them, are being transported by senior Weyrlings from Kahrain Weyr.”

He glanced over at the Weyrlings who were studiously checking their passengers harnesses under the watchful eye of a mature green rider, (who nevertheless was wearing a Weyrling braid).

F’mart had contacted him to ask that he would oversee the weyrlings he was sending for transport duty. “Bust their noses if they need it, K’ndar,” the Weyrleader had said, “with the promise that B’rant and I would consider what to do with them once they’ve returned. You probably won’t need to do that, though. I’m sending a green dragon rider as team leader, she has a lot of sense and about five years on the kids. Making her boss pissed off the bronze riders no end, but they’re both headstrong teenagers. I don’t trust them without adult supervision just yet. Were we that flighty?”

For once, he was able to get in a dig at his bronze riding former classmate. “I’ll only say this because I’m out of arms length of you, F’mart. I wasn’t flighty, if you recall, I was teased because I was so boring. I do remember being called an old man because I didn’t take chances. And I remember a sixteen year old bronze rider who got drunk against regulations and then compounded it by challenging an entire wing, just back from fighting thread.”

F’mart coughed. “Sorry, got a hair in my throat. I can’t for the life of me remember that lout. Bet you he did a lot of latrine cleaning.”

K’ndar roared. “He did a far better job than I ever did. But then, I only had it as punishment for a week, not months and months. I think they were considering making him latrine orderly for the rest of his life.”

It was F’mart’s turn to laugh. “Aye, K’ndar, I’ll remember that forever.”

K’ndar enjoyed the camaraderie he felt with his former classmate. “Not to worry, Weyrleader. I’ll keep an eye on your kids.”

He mounted Raventh. Rahman was peevish, something K’ndar had never seen in the scientist before.”How long is this supposed to last?” the elderly scientist grumbled.

“I don’t know. Science Division is fully accounted for, so it may be that all Raylan need do is say, here, Council members, here they all are in the flesh,” and then they may release you. I must advise you that you’ll have to spend today at Landing, as it’s fourteen hours or so ahead of Western Continent.”

“And remind me of why?”

“Dragons don’t fly at night, sir, and Kahrain’s Weyrlings have a curfew. I’ve arranged for you and your team to have individual lodging, and tomorrow, if the Council is agreeable, I’ll take you back. Unless, of course, you or members of your team want to spend more time at Landing. Have them decide, and I’ll arrange for Kahrain’s transport. “

“What a waste of our time,” Rahman said, exasperated, “I’m in the midst of observing the Betelgeuse Nebula. I can’t do that at Landing, its scope isn’t my big beautiful Scope 2,” the elderly cosmologist said. “It’s utterly fascinating, seeing what used to be a red giant turn into a neutron star. Fascinating beasts, neutron stars. I’m sure I told you that all the heavier elements, like gold and platinum, are created in the hearts of neutron stars. Need I mention the nebula is absolutely gorgeous? All those colors!”

“Sir, I understand, but, please, I’m just the transport rider. I don’t have any say in this.”

“I’m sorry, K’ndar. I shouldn’t be angry with you. This is utterly silly, I checked in two days ago via datalink. It’s Raylan I’ll have a word with. Will he check me for cleanliness and haircut? If I’ve dressed myself correctly?”

“No, sir,” K’ndar, said, refraining from saying the old man’s sarcasm was unwarranted. You don’t correct your elders, he thought.

He checked the wind, but Raventh was already turning so that when he launched, he’d have the wind beneath his wings. Siskin landed in his tregular spot behind Raventh’s head, looking for all the world like the figurehead on the prow of a sailing ship.

“No, sir. This isn’t Raylan’s idea. This is the Council of Six AND Lord Lytol’s command, and I do mean command. I, for one, don’t feel like going against that.”

I won’t say how much I know, he thought. I won’t say that they’ve tried three times to get an accurate account of how many people are actually Landing Staff, people are finding all sorts of reasons why they can’t or won’t show up just to be counted as alive and breathing. I’ve heard a lot of shouting and arguing for what? Just a headcount? I’ve heard one person is still unaccounted for. Although who, Raylan won’t say. My gut tells me, though, that that’s the person behind all this trouble.

“Lord Lytol?”

“Yes, sir. Councilman Emeritus, former regent Lord Holder of Ruatha, mentor of Lord Jaxom, former Benden Weyr Dragonrider and still Master Weaver Lord Lytol,” K’ndar said, relating all the offices the distinguished and almost legendary man had held during his long life.

Rahman blanched. “Oh. THAT Lord Lytol. Quite right. Not wise to go against him or the Council. No matter, then, discount what I’ve complained about. Lead on, MacDuff.”

As if there are two Lord Lytols? K’ndar wanted to say, but demurred. The green rider signaled to him that her team was ready for launch. He nodded.

_______________________________________________________________

I’ve never seen such a crowd, K’ndar thought, as he entered a labyrinthine auditorium. I didn’t think there were so many people working here.

The air was filled with the voices of people. Many of them sounded angry. At least one man was nose to nose with another, demanding to know WHY he had to stand around for no reason?

“What is this place?” he asked Orlon, Landing’s Maintenance Chief, who was advising those people entering to ‘look for your division’s sign and congregate on it”.

The burly man scratched the back of his head. “The database calls it an ‘auditorium’, where a group of people gather to hear someone speak. We uncovered it about six months ago. It was pure luck, K’ndar, that we chose it, as I haven’t any idea where we would have fit a crowd as big as this one. They’d never get this many people in one group outside if it weren’t raining.

When we finally opened it, we had to let it air out, of course. It was full of stuff. See, over there? Those enormous solar panels, huge, I bet my boots they came off one of the starships. I have no idea how we’re going to get them out. And it was full of crates, too. I figure the colonists were stripping the starships and had to put the stuff somewhere out of the weather. Or maybe they were hoping they’d get to it later, then the volcano erupted and they had to move north. We’ve spent the last few weeks opening crates, with the Ar and Dee folks breathing down our necks to see what new toy has been revealed. “

“It’s so big, I’m surprised we didn’t know about it earlier.”

“K’ndar, to this day, we’re still uncovering buildings here at Landing. Remember, there were about six thousand people who disembarked from the starships. That means an awful lot of buildings to house them all. I don’t think we have uncovered a quarter of all the buildings. It takes a lot of work to dig through solidified ash, and some of the buildings have collapsed due to the weight. Not this time.”

“It’s like a cavern.”

“Aye. But with better acoustics. See that platform at the other end? That’s where a speaker stands. This will be the first time it will have been used for what it was designed for, I think.”

As people filled in, the noise level rose. Much of it sounded heated.

Orlon shook his head, dismayed. “Listen to this lot. Everyone’s pissed, they keep trying to slip out the door! You’d think the Council had demanded they help my team by digging with their bare hands. Bunch of whingers, the lot of them!”

K’ndar grinned. “Well, not ALL of us, although I do admit Science has two or three who will probably have to be dragged here.”

Orlon looked wryly at him. “I didn’t mean you, dolt,” he said, not unkindly. “You’re a dragonrider, K’ndar, and before that, a herder, aye? You learned to take orders without twisting it into a personal insult. Some of these folks ain’t never had to get their hands dirty, lived here since they were teens. Now they’re specialists, I guess, outgrew their boots but not their big egos. Lad, I could tell you stories about when I try to fix something in their quarters. End o’ the World, you know?” he laughed, “and somehow it turns out to be my fault. Even the ones who’ve never turned a ratchet in their life insist on telling me or my folks how to fix a toilet.”

“Why is everyone so angry?”

Orlon shook his head. “Some of ’em are afraid.”

“They’re scared? Of what?”

“K’ndar, something big went down a few nights ago. I don’t know what, but it was significant enough to get the Council out of bed in the middle of the night, and them and Admin and the Data folks have been working almost without a break, trying to fix it. I think it’s been fixed, but I think now they’re doing a lot of hunting, they’re doing a deep investigation. Whomever is responsible, I think they know who they are. But they’re just making sure that they have it right, when they finally pin the criminal to the wall, it’s the deserving bloke and not an innocent person.

You don’t want to falsely accuse someone. I get the feeling it will be similar to a trial. And they want to make sure they get the guilty people.

But in the meantime, they’ve discovered there’s other folks, right here, people who have been, let’s say, less than honorable in their work or their position here at Landing, some have been fudging their books, or making stuff disappear, little things, you know? Now those folks have guilty consciences, they’re scared. They’re thinking, oh shite, I’m about to be revealed. And maybe fired. Or even banished.

So they’ve tried to sneak out, find some way of getting out of this auditorium noose. Today, with this gathering, they’re in this corral, trying to find an escape route, and it’s not there. Too many eyes, you know? Lord Dorn sent some of his master-at-arms men, that’s how big this thing is. They’re posted just outside the doors, to catch anyone trying to make a break of it.

“I thought I noticed one of Lief’s men on my way in, but, I didn’t really think why. It reminds me of when we’d hunt tunnel snakes in the Weyr. You stop up every bolt hole but one, then wait for them to escape.”

“Same concept, K’ndar. And it’s plain as wings on a dragon to me, at least, that you’re innocent of any wrong doing. It’s the bad ‘uns who are looking like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. They’re all feeling as if they’ve got a loose snare ’round their necks. They’re nervous and scared, and swearing ‘if I get away with this I’ll never do it again’.”

He sighed. “Some never do it again, but vanishingly few. Most forget that promise. If they make it through today without being busted, they’ll relax. They’ll figure, oh, I didn’t get caught. Or, I need the money. It’s always money, K’ndar, at the base of every crime is money. They’ll do their little crime one more time, forgetting that their name is on a list somewhere, and that’s when the Council will yank the snare tight on their necks.”

He sucked his teeth. “Tell you what, K’ndar, this is a badly needed housecleaning, one of personnel, not buildings. It’s been plain to me, but who am I? Just the maintenance man. I can say this, it’s been a long time coming.”

His datalink buzzed. He didn’t answer it. “If you’ll excuse me, the Council and Lord Lytol will be here any minute.” He moved to the podium.

K’ndar saw Raylan near the front, with a sign saying Science Division. He beckoned for K’ndar to join him. Francie was next to him.

“Hey, K’ndar,” she said as he joined them.

He looked at her, curious as to her presence.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I thought it was just staff needing to be here?”

She nodded. “Yes, but nevertheless, there’s family here, too. Everyone is eaten up nose to tail as to WHY this is being done. In my case, though, I’ve been transporting, just like you. I’ve made two trips north to bring folks here. And, well, you and I know things.”

She looked left and right to make sure no one heard. “We might be asked questions on what we know. If that happens, K’ndar, answer as truthfully and as fully as you can. We’re not in trouble, but there’s a few here that are. I have no idea how this thing is all going to play out. We’ve never had such a big gathering, it’s all hands on deck.”

“From what I hear, there’s been a bunch who’ve tried to jump ship.”

“That’s true. Like Howel from Flight Ops and of course, Stinky.”

He giggled. Everyone knew who Stinky was.

Most of Science division were strangers to him. It made him realize how far flung Landing’s people were. And how many people were, if not total strangers, at least unknown to him other than attendees at the talks about the animals he’d found.

How unlike the Weyr, he thought, where everyone knew everybody.

“Damn it,” Raylan said, “I’ve pinged Miklos three times to get here NOW. I guess I’m going to have to go hogtie him. K’ndar, you know how to rope a beast, don’t you?”

The others tittered.

K’ndar laughed. “Yessir, I do, but I don’t know a horse that will be willing to drag him here.” The microbiologist refused to bathe, no matter how the matter was phrased. No one had been able to convince him that he had an obligation to society to be clean. “He’s still with us only because he’s an absolute genius in microbiology-and he does it for free. He doesn’t care about money or even having a relation with another human. Keep him fed and he’ll be at his microscope twenty hours a day if we allowed it,” Jansen had confided.

“Finally,” Risal’s apprentice said, “Howel is coming. He ignored your last three calls, sir,” he said to Raylan.

Yes, Howel, Raylan thought. One of my two or three problem children. He despises everyone. I’ve gotten more complaints about him than even Stinky Miklos.

“At least he bathes,” Risal said, and the apprentice laughed. “Look at that face. He’s got nothing to hide behind.”

“Maybe you could send Howel to fetch Miklos?” Jansen said to Raylan.

“Ah, what a treat, eh? But no. They’d both bolt. Jansen, I’m going to get Miklos, rope or no rope. You tell Howel to Sit and Stay until I release him.”

“Sir, if you need some muscle?” said a burly young man. He was tanned and wore boots that had seen many a kilometer.

“I do, Pojar, thank you.”

They left. “Who’s Pojar?” K’ndar asked Jansen.

“He’s our new botanist. He’s only been here a week, he’s just finished in processing. From what I hear, he’s very good. He’s a lot like you, K’ndar, he prefers to be in the field. The second day he was here he was out collecting plants from the dragon meadow.”

“His boots show it. That’s good, we’ve been needing a botanist since what’s her name left.”

Howel stood at the edge of the crowd, pretending not to see the sign saying ‘Science Division.’

“Look at that oaf. He’s going to try and sneak off and say it’s because he didn’t see us,” Jansen said, “It’s why we’re having to do this in person head count. So many people having some excuse as to why they can’t be here to be counted.”

“No, he won’t,” Risal said, “I know how to handle him.” She put her fingers to her lips and whistled.

The woman in front of them squawked at its piercing squeal, but Howel, as well as half the crowd had turned to look. Jansen and the rest pointed at him and beckoned. He frowned but made his way through the growing crowd to join them.

The well dressed woman got right up into Risal’s face, shouting in fury. “You yob, you deafened me! I’m permanently injured! If you do that again, I’ll make you sorry,”she shrieked.

Risal put her hands up to get the woman out of her face. “Excuse me, ma’am, but my hearing is excellent. I don’t need you in my face. You’re right. I’m sorry. I apologize for hurting you. It wasn’t intentional, I assure you.”

“You’re a miscreant, you are,” the woman snapped, “I know your type. You waited for me to be here and then blasted my ears.”

Howel smirked.

“Ma’am, I assure you, no, I have never seen you before in my life. Again, I apologize for hurting you.”

“That’s not good enough, yob. You’re in Science, I see. I’ll be talking to your Division Chief about you. Best pack your sorry rags into a backpack, because you’re out of here.”

She turned and moved to the back edge of a group surrounding a woman holding a sign for Administration. She began to complain in a loud voice to the woman about how bad manners seemed to be everywhere in Pern.

K’ndar could tell by her body language that the sign holder disliked the loud woman, but was hemmed in by the crowd.

“Who the shaff was that?” Risal asked.

“I don’t know but she’s right. That wasn’t appropriate for indoors, Risal! “

“Jansen, ma’am, it’s suddenly so noisy in here you can’t hear yourself think. I didn’t think he’d hear me shout. I guess maybe I should have looked before I whistled.”

“Yes, and don’t call me ma’am, it makes me feel old. At least you apologized,” Jansen said, realizing that she was having to shout, too, to make herself heard.

“Odd. She’s on the fringe of Admin’s group, but I don’t think she works there. I’ve never seen her before. I know most of the Admin folks, they work just down the hall from me.”

The noise subsided as the number of people entering slowed, then stopped. The lessening of noise was an aural relief.

“She’s an uptight dakkinome. I agree I should have thought before I acted, but shards, it’s not as if I meant to purposefully hurt her. She didn’t have to call me a yob.”

“Well, you are..” Howel began.

Everyone in Science turned and met his eye. “Howel,” Jansen snapped, already tired of the meteorologist’s petty bullying, and sniping. “Shut Up. You’re already on probation for your antisocial behaviour, your rude treatment of people, never mind your distinct lack of work ethic. Keep it up and I’ll find you a dark little cave in Far Reaches, where a meteorologist doesn’t even have to get off his stone shelf of a bed to forecast the day’s weather. I can hear you now,” she posed as if she was briefing from a map of Pern. “Today and every day for the rest of eternity, we’ll have snow, followed by blizzards and ice, turning to snow in the morning,” she mimicked in a fair imitation of his voice. “Do I make myself clear?”

“I’ll transport him!” Francie volunteered. Risal and the lad laughed.

The group behind theirs-the sign said “Agriculture”-began to snicker. Howel turned and glared, then realized he was beaten. “That’s no lie,” said one man, obviously a farmer, “Only difference between winter and summer in Far Reaches is summer’s snow is only to your hips.”

Howel scowled. He began to retort when Jansen beat him to the punch.

“I asked you a question, Howel. Do you understand?” Jansen snarled.

Howel blanched-and nodded.

The imperious woman began to complain about the rising heat in the building.

That woman’s voice, Francie had been remembering. I’ve heard it before and it pissed me off. Yes. I can hear her now, that same tone. She’s loud. Complaining about what?

That attitude, one of personal offense taken when her unreasonable and unworkable demands weren’t immediately obeyed-“I’ll make you sorry.”

Oh, yes. I remember. Yes, she was the woman who called me demanding I take her right NOW to Nerat to pick up fish for her ‘dinner party’.

That voice shrieked in her memory. Do you know who I am?

Yes. It is definitely the same woman, the same domineering, hectoring tone of voice. Do you know who I am.

“That woman,” she said,”I’ve heard her before, on the datalink.”

“Who is she?”

“Not a clue, but she said she would make me sorry because I refused to take her to Nerat to pick up fresh fish for her dinner party.”

“What, Cove Hold’s Tiger Shark isn’t a good fishing ship? It’s a small crew but they’re just as good a fishing boat as anything up north,” Risal said, nodding, “I bet my boots that Nerat thing was just an excuse.”

“Maybe I should have taken her, but only halfway,” Francie said.

“Ah, here comes Raylan and Pojar, herding Miklos, with the biggest man I’ve ever seen,” Jansen said.

“Dibs on my standing upwind,” K’ndar said, recognizing the man helping herd Miklos as one of Lord Dorn’s security men. Orlon wasn’t kidding, he thought. Nor, for that matter, was the Council. They mean it, this time.

“K’ndar. We’re inside. No wind to speak of.”

“Damn.”

Raylan chivied Miklos to stand with the group. The guard returned to his post by the door. The microbiologist was sullen, as always. “Here,” Raylan said, taking the sign from Jansen’s apprentice, “hold this. We’re still missing our chemist, but she said she’s on her way.” He handed it to Miklos. “You’re tall, she’ll see it better if you hold it.”

Miklos hesitated, then grudgingly took the sign.

“Stand in front of us, Miklos,” Raylan said, pushing the man ahead of the group.

“But..”

“Do as I say. The sooner we get this headcount over, the faster you’ll get back to your microscope,” Raylan said.

This is getting stupid, he thought, I feel like I’ve been herding cats, some show up and the others find a way to escape when my back is turned. I can rest easy, though, knowing that the reason for this meeting is to find out who is missing, and that Miklos, or Howel, or any of my team aren’t responsible for the midnight tampering with the computer or the data chunks. The problem though, is Miklos, he absolutely refuses to clean himself up. Gads, the smell. I need to find someone to take his place. He’s great at his job, but everything else is just too nasty. He really isn’t worth keeping on.

The microbiologist moved ahead of the group to stand just behind the still complaining woman.

A young woman ran up, out of breath.

“Sorry I’m late, boss,” she said to Raylan.

“Thank you. I know where you work, you’re clear on the other side of Landing.”

She huffed and puffed for a few moments. “Yes, sir.”

He thumbed his datalink. “Science Division is here, all present or accounted for,” Raylan said to his datalink,

A data linked voice said, “You have one not physically present?”

“Only one. I’ve reported three times now that he’s aboard the Charmed Wind, freezing his bollocks off. She’s a thousand kilometers northwest of Western Continent, near the ice pack. The ship’s a week’s sailing from anywhere on Pern.”

The voice whined, “Couldn’t a dragon pick him up?”

Francie violently shook her head, leaning into Raylan to yell at the datalink. “No! Whoever you are, NO. Not only is the ocean a big place, dragon’s can’t land on ships. Not without tangling the dragon, never mind disabling the ship’s rigging. I don’t know a ship’s captain who’ll allow THAT.”

“Who is that?”

Raylan had pushed her away, gently but firmly. “A Staff Dragonrider,” he said to the voice.

What? Francie thought, joy surging through her heart, I finally have a position on Staff? Official? Will I get paid?

“Testy, what? What IS it with everyone, I’ve never seen so many angry people for what, a head count?” said the voice.

“Trust me, they’re all here in the auditorium,” Raylan said.

Now I have a new problem, how to convince Admin that there are four dragons assigned here, but only two-Raventh and Motanith-are available for transport. They should be compensated. And, it will salve Francie’s pride. She deserves some position for all her volunteer work. Shaff, I’ll take it out of my pay to see she gets compensated.

“No matter, sir, I agree, you’ve reported your absentee three times. Science is all present or accounted for. Thank you,” said the disembodied voice.

Everyone is so snarky today, K’ndar thought. I hope this doesn’t take long.

The imperious woman in front of them thrust her face straight up. “What in the name of Pern is that stench?” she shouted.

Science Division, without a word between any of them, had unconsciously moved back from Miklos. The microbiologist stood right behind the woman.

She looked left and right at the Admin people nearest her. They, too, smelled something rank and had moved away, leaving her just ahead of Miklos.

She whirled.

“You! I should have known it was something from Science! You stink! You reek like ten days dead fish! You have flies crawling in your hair! Are they your pets? Your siblings? Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to bathe? Go! Get out of here! You should be back in the barn with her! Go before I take a scrub brush to you myself!”

The crowd gasped. Without a word, Miklos dropped the Science sign and fled.

He was stopped only by the man at the door, who pointed him to a far corner. Which emptied within seconds of his arrival.

Raylan looked at his team. What in the world do I do now? Retrieve him? Despite her noise and meanness, she’s right. Maybe she finally got through to him. He’s accounted for, that’s what matters right now.

The chemist picked up the sign. “Sir, if you don’t mind me saying so,” said the young chemist, “I think we’re all happier that he’s as far as possible from us.”

“Aye,” said the farmers behind them.

————————————————————————–

Orlon cleared his throat, and in a stentorian voice, cried, “Make way for the Council. Make way, please, make way for the Council Lords, the honorable Lord Lytol, and Head Steward Grafton.”

“Finally. They’ve taken their time. Make way, I have things to tell them,” the imperious woman said, shoving people aside to take a spot in the front of the crowd.

The crowd quieted and a pathway opened for the party. Many of Landing’s personnel seldom, if ever, had actually seen the Council, so they were craning their necks to see the lords.

The Council and Lord Lytol mounted the podium.

A bronze fire lizard swooped in, flying with incredible control just ahead of Grafton, Landing’s Head Steward. The man followed him unerringly and confidently, his cane sweeping back and forth as Fafhrd led the way.

The crowd uttered a soft murmur. “Morning, sir,” someone said, and the crowd repeated it.

The horrid woman barked “Why is HE here? He’s hideous looking. My stomach is turning. He needs to stay back in his hovel.”

The people around hissed in shock. One woman glared and said, “That’s Grafton! He might hear you!”

“He needs to. He gives me nightmares,” the woman snapped.

“I think, madam, you should keep your opinions to yourself,” said a big man behind her.

“I shan’t. It’s true. He’s useless. I don’t know why he’s kept around except maybe it’s because someone High Up felt sorry for him.”

The council, having heard her, all focused their glares on the woman.

Fafhrd, Grafton’s bronze fire lizard, flew right to her and hovered.

“And this horrid little dragon of his. Who let it indoors? Fire lizards should be banned, they’re filthy little creatures,” she said, looking directly at Grafton.

Not needing Fafhrd’s eyes this time, Grafton turned towards her. The crowd went silent. He stopped an arms length from her. Fafhrd landed on his shoulder, his eyes whirling a furious red. Grafton stroked the bronze’s neck, gentling him.

“You call me hideous?” he said, looking with empty sockets at the imperious woman. The scars on his face seemed accentuated in the artificial lighting.

“Yes. You’re a hideous wretch,” she said, unnerved by the puckered cavities where the man’s eyes had been. “You’re ugly. It’s sickening. And no one has had the courage to tell you until now. Everyone treats you as if you’re important, and you’re not. You hide away in that hovel of yours and put out trite little homilies, and expect everyone to treat you as if you were a councilman. It’s because they feel sorry for you, I’m certain. And your fire lizard is everywhere, snooping, listening in, telling tales. I hate it, I hate dragons, too.”

Lord Cecilia was about to blast the woman when Lord Lytol touched her arm, gently. In a voice only they could hear, he said, “Sssh, my lord. Blindness has merely sharpened his weapon. Imagine, her bringing a paring knife to a sword fight.”

The crowd began to growl. Grafton turned to the general vicinity and held up a hand. “It’s okay, my friends,” he said, “she’s entitled to her opinion.”

“My arse,” said someone in the crowd, the only voice to break the silence.

He returned his attention to the woman.

“And why, ma’am, although I hesitate to use that honorific to someone who doesn’t deserve it,” said the wizened man, “is that?”

“Is WHAT?”

“Your hatred of fire lizards and dragons. I do understand your hatred of ME. You are afraid my ugliness will contaminate you, although I’m hard pressed to imagine how any ugliness I may present could surpass yours. Perhaps I should touch you and gift you with Grafton cooties.”

“Don’t touch me, you wretched gnome. If you were my husband, I’d stab you,” she snarled, backing up despite herself.

“Ma’am, if you were my wife, I’d hand you my knife.”

The crowd burst into cheers.